Its lovely and sunny today which im absolutly loving, i have only just got back from my mate jemmas, her cat has been in labour since last night and she is havin a bit of a tuff time , jemma called me this monring saying that a kitten had just come out and she didnt kknow what to do, by the time i got round there and ripped open the sack and tried to rescisitate her it was too late, its been 5 hours and she still aint produced another kitten!
Im having a break before i have to go round there again, so hopefully fingers crossed that the next one she has will live, i think she has got another 3 in her !
Catherine and jason are out playing at the moment, need to have a serious talk with them tonight, as i have been told a few things about them which im really upset about , hopefully with barrys help, we can get to the bottom of it .

My stress levels today are going through the roof, the slightest thing seems to be getting to me aswell for some reason.
Im having trouble with jason at school aswell which really isnt helping, everyday he has managed to upset the teachers by not co operating and causing mayhem in the classroom, and im beginning to get extremely fed up with it!!
Jason still aint managed to earn having his bike yet, so its collecting dust in the shed at the moment , he dont seem to have any insentive to try and earn these luxurys, its like he has given up if you know what i mean , im trying to be positive with him, and reminding him of what he can have if he behaves himself, but he dont care which to me is a big concern.
Catherine on the other hand, is doing well at school, i have a few little issues with her attitude some times but she seems to be getting better, she has also had a dry bed for the past 3 months, so well done to her xx
Both catherine and jason went to stay with there dad friday night so it was nice to have a bit of alone time, as we hardly ever get our time, by the time the kids go to sleep we are then shattered!!
On a more positive note, i have paid for the kids school photos , so thats the familys xmas present out the way and sorted!oh and thehousework is all done , so i can chill out before barry gets home, which will then be time to do dinner !!

All is calm in household now, the kids have now calmed down and are currently getting bathed ready for bed as they have start of new term tomorrow, the weekend has been great, we had thomas over last night for the night and he loved settling down to a dvd in the bedroom when it was time to wind down , pauline also took them all trick or treating for an hour before we all went to take becky and deans dogs for a walk! which the kids absolutly loved , especially on halloweeen night , being pitch black and foggy, spooky!!!
We have only just this minute got back from taking thomas home and im feeling really tired now as we had a busy day today, well i did anyway lol.
All in all , we are great

all is good at the moment , catherine has gone to stay with my mate pauline for a few days, which has given me some one on one time with jason.
Saturday evening was nerve racking as we was invited to watch the fireworks with kate and her new man with the kids , it went really well actually, kate and i have become friends which im really pleased about , we also had thomas the night which the kids aswell as us absolutly loved , hopefully we will be able to do it again. all in all a good week

I think im coming down with flu or something as i have a nasty headache , keep caughing and have got a temperature, in all i feel like crap!

I have had a really busy but good day today, becky dean and i went into town to get the bits for catherines surprise birthday party tomorrow,and was quite surprised at how cheap the party stuff cost, i bought her a nice pair of jeans and a top to match which she can wear when she gets back from her dads.
Barry phoned me on his way home to let me know he has catherine and jasons bike which are going to be put in the shed till tomorrow, jason is allowed to see his new bike , but he is not allowed to have it untill he can change his behaviour at school!which i feel is the right way to go about it, otherwise he will never learn!!
We have got a busy day again tomorrow as we need to get the last party bits from tesco, inc a bday cake, im really looking forward to seeing the look on catherines face when she comes home tomorrow aswell, happy birthday my little cherub xx

Today has been a really calm and peaceful, which i must say was actually lovely, theres no housework to be done as i had done all that yesterday and barry has had the day off work which was really nice, so we have both had a relaxing day together.
The children have even come home in a calm and cheerful mood and jason has also had a better day at school, which i really do hope he will keep it up.
Iv had a much calmer few days myself, im not as anxious as i was this time last week, plusim beginning to feel more positive and happier.
I went to my first psychotherapy group session opn monday which was really nerve racking and it took me a little while for my nerves to calm before actually beginning to enjoy it.
The people in the group were very welcoming too which was nice, im looking forward to my next session again on monday.
iv had a falling out with jemma this week, she spoke to me like a piece of shit again and i aint taking no more of it , so i have cut of all ties with her , so there you go.
Catherine is going to be 10 on saturday which she is looking forward to, hope she likes her present, they aare both staying at daddys for the night so he can spend some birthday time with her aswell as jason.we are giving her a surprise bday party for her on sunday so im going to be some what busy weekend.now do i buy a cake? of shall i make her on? tough choice lol

The weekend is now nearly here and im really looking forward to it, the kids are staying over with alex at his mates house for the weekend,which is much needed as i want them to see as much of there dad as they can now that we are no more.
Barry and i have a busy weekend ahead of us while the kids are away, we are going to be fitting a cat flap now that monty is now allowed out , he has settled in really well bless his heart,we had to keep him in our bedroom for the first week as he didnt really take well to my 4 cats that i already have, but he has got used to them now thank god,
we are also going to be painting the hallway leading down to my front door but not sure on what colour we are going to get as yet!
my anxiety has gone back down now and im feeling much calmer than what i was this time last week, all in all, things seem to be coming on quite well

my anxiety levels seem to be going up and down at the moment, this is probably due to all the changes that have been happening over these past few weeks, catherine and jason found out the other day that daddy has a new girlfriend called sarah, my suspicians proved right, but in all, i am pleased that he has now managed to move on, my worries are with the kids as they seemed really shocked and withdrawn by this, i hope they will get used to it and like her, as long as she makes alex happy then im happy and the same goes with my two babies.
I was really upset last night as im being accused of being a drug taker and a so called piss head!!
Im not a druggy nor a drunk! and for the record, i aint a bad mother neither, if i was any of the above, do you think social services would let me keep my children, i have come a long way these past 5 years, and i have changed for the better, and i would never harm your son for that matter, he is adorable and sweet and i would treat him like he was one of my own, please dont keep giving me a bad name , i would never do that to you

Things are really good at the moment , catherine and jason are adjusting well and my anxiety levels have finally started to go down if you know what i mean , i start my brentchly unit a week monday which im looking forward to, my social worker has noticed a big change in the kids and is pleased that things are going well for me which she stated , its about time! barry is taking me shopping about one and im going to make him one of my famous quiches today for dinner.
My mum came round to see me yesterday which was nice, i hadnt seen her for almost a month so it good to catch up.all in all, things are getting better

im feeling ok today apart from having a few disagreements with my mates? they seem to think i have changed since being with barry!!in a way, i have , but i feel that i have changed for the better, i am more positive than what i used to be and im a lot more happier too, im comfortable so to speak, i feel like i have neglected them a little which i will make up to them, im sorry xxxi dont mean to be distant, im just adjusting if you know what i mean.
Anyway, the kids are doing well , especially jason, he has had a much better week at school which im really proud of him about, catherine and jason have an assessment at maidstone hospital on the 30th of this month, hopefully they will see whether or not jason has some form of adhd like i was warned that he might well have , if he has , then they will be able to help with some form of medication, well thats what they said anyway!!
catherines appointment is for her enurises which she has, she has also done really well, not one wet bed for over two weeks, well done my little princess.
I have had my letter from the brenctly unit offering me a place at one of there groups starting on the 5th of october which im really happy about, its about time !! and im really looking forward to it, its so that they can build up my self esteem and that , which i have been told that there way of doing it really does work, so all exited now yippee, all in all im not bad xx

im starting to chill out now the housework is done and the kids are out playing, i have had quite a hectic day today as an old school mate came up unexpectedly today, what a surprise! it was nice to be able to sit down and catch up as we hadnt seen eachother for over a year, she told me she has split from her husband the other month and is now enjoying her life being a single parent!!
I also surprised her about not being with alex no more , she always thought that we would be together for life, i told her about my new fella and how we met, she is looking forward to meeting him which hopefully will be soon!
For an early birthday present, she treated me to a high lighting kit which she did while she was here, left it on a little too long and now im looking too blonde now, going to buy another dye tomorrow just to tone it down a bit, hope barry likes it lol.
All in all, a good day,

well things seem to be looking up for me which makes a nice change, i really didnt think things would work out for me, as normally it is always the other way round, iv been sorting my place out now that alex and i have seperated, and i have some extra space where i have been going things which is good,
The kids have adjusted quite well to the change and there behaviour believe it or not has got very much better than what it was, i have much more time for them unlike before, my depression aint as bad as what it was aswell which is also good, im still taking my pills obviously, not a good idea to stop them just like that, i still have thew odd day where im anxious and am a little low, but apart from that im ok.

im feeling okish today, going to take the kids to see alex today so im a little anxious as i aint seen him for over a week now.
Im going to go into town with my mate vanessa while alex plays with the kids. i hope he is ok with me ......

im feeling really anxious today for some reason , i just wish this feeling would go away....

Im feeling alot more at ease now that i have got a few things off my chest, my anxiety kicked off again this morning for some reason , but after letting my isues out and having dealt ith them im much calmer, I have got my friends round me which is good, and the kids are doing well .....

Things are slowly working out for me now, im much calmer than what i was thats for sure...
Alex has now moved out so now i can focus on making me and my kids happy, since alex has been gone, the kids are much calmer and content.Catherine and jason are clearly missing there dad and i hope that once alex has got over me , he will start to come and see the kids on a regular basis, he said when he left that he wont come and see the kids as it will be too painfull, but thats being selfish in my eyes, its his choice, but i will never stop him from seeing his children anyway..

I am feeling really lost today, i have told alex i dont want to be with him no more and he has literally flipped his lid, he has broke his hand from punching the front door today and has now had to go up to the hospital, i just dont know how to cope with all of this, the main thing that is keeping me going is my two most wonderful children , catherine and jason.
Im waiting for alex to come back as we now need to discuss where he is going to go as he cant stay here as it aint healthy for the kids at all.
Im thinking about taking the kids away for a week or so , so alex can sort himself out , and also to give the kids a break.
I just wish i could fast forward my life a few months and hopefully things will be better ....

All hell has kicked off from all angles today , my mate tina has decided to seperate from my ex brother in law, paul is leaving to go over to his sisters and alex and i aint getting along at all at the moment.
My brain is on overdrive at the moment and things aint getting no better for me. im going away for the weekend which im hoping will help me sort my head out.
I have got tina staying with me till friday then she is going away for the night on saturday, then she is going to come back and stay sunday onwards, im actually looking forward to her staying , will be nice to have myu best mate here, looking after eachother.
I have got a really bad headache at the moment yet the pills i have taken aint worked. god i feel like going to sleep and not waking up sometimes!!!!!!

im in a dont know mood again!!!!!